Fic: Maybe

[crabby_lioness]

Title:   Maybe

Author: CrabbyLioness

Characters: Jack, Ianto

Summary: The Courtship of Ianto Jones, Part 2, Sequel to Frustration

Warning:  Angst.  Far more than I intended, actually.

Spoilers through To the Last Man

Disclaimer: Uncle Rusty said I could play with his toys as long as I didn't charge money. 

Rating: PG

Word Count:   485

He's driving me crazy.

Although it could be argued I'm already there.

It could also be argued he got there first.

I'm not good at talking about my feelings. There's usually something more important that needs doing.  But ever since London my life has been -- well, hellish really.  I was feeling bad enough that seducing Jack seemed like a good idea.  Therapeutic, even.  I should have realized I'd only end up getting hurt worse.

It was entirely my fault. Our relationship was supposed to be simply physical, a way for two damaged people to make it through the night. It was supposed to be about holding the nightmares at bay. It wasn't supposed to about holding him.  Neither of us were supposed to get hurt.

Still, it hurts.

I doubt he really understands.  He can't know how much it hurt to be left like that. He can't understand how torn apart I feel inside.

He thinks I'm just teasing him.  I'll admit to a bit of that.  Quite a lot of that, actually.  Mostly though, I'm waiting for looking at him, hearing him, to stop being painful.

We'll take it proper, formal, and slow. Old-fashioned, even. He ought to appreciate that.

Da always said they knew a thing or two in the old days. 

And it's working.  It doesn't hurt as much to be around him anymore.  I'm surprised at how quickly that's leaving.  I can even joke around him now.

And doesn't that throw him off balance.

Of course if he were to whisper my name, pull me into his arms, cup my face in his hands and kiss me softly on the lips I would be his all over again.  I would be comforted, ecstatic, overjoyed, enraptured, exhilarated...

...weeping inside because all I meant to him was a convenient piece of arse.

But he's letting me take it slow, letting me make all the moves.  It's almost bizarre having his respect.

I could get used to it, though.

Since we thawed out poor Tommy it seems like everyone's hurting.  We're all walking round with our bundles of pain.

Strange thing is, we're not holding it against each other.  We're giving each other the space and the support that we can.  Gwen told me to "Bloody cheer up, will you?", when I started brooding about Canary Wharf.  I know, she doesn't have a clue, as usual.  But she's trying to help.  Even Owen of all people is trying to help Tosh.  Owen!

It would all be very comforting if it weren't so unnerving.

Still, it's better than being at each other's throats.

So maybe -- maybe I don't have to wait for the hurt to completely stop.  I don't know if I believe that can happen anymore.   Maybe, if Jack will be considerate enough, open enough, caring enough, maybe it will be all right if we hurt together instead of hurting separately.

Maybe.

Comments

[tresa-cho.livejournal.com]

Well done.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[love-jackianto.livejournal.com]

Oh good one, I really liked the ending. I do like angst every now and then.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Angst is a strong spice and should be used sparingly, but it was called for here.

[foreverrhapsody.livejournal.com]

Ooo, I love it. If you don't mind me saying, I like this one better than the first.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you. It definately wrote itself.

[jo02]

Lovely lovely lovely!

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[http://users.livejournal.com/twistedlogic_/]

*applauds*

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

*bows*

[nightporters.livejournal.com]

Ah I can see this, I can definitely see this.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That's what I aim for.

[appleseed-06.livejournal.com]

Love it :)

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[the-ladyj.livejournal.com]

I am totaly amazed about your insights of the show and its characters. This is one major reason why this fic works so wonderfully, even or maybe because it is angst. Thanks for sharing.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

I usually stint on the angst, Russell and Chris hurt them enough as it is. But I couldn't be true to where I think the character is in his head right now without dealing with it.

[off-suit.livejournal.com]

... *cries*
This is written so well you can almost see the look on his face.
Really stunning writing. :)

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you. That's what I aim for.

[1-mad-squirrel.livejournal.com]

God this is good.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[pinkfairy727.livejournal.com]

This is great!

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[duskwillow.livejournal.com]

Oh Ianto. *hugs*

Love this series!

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[silver-fic.livejournal.com]

That was great ^_^

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you. :)

[jbsnow.livejournal.com]

:o)

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

:-)

[freakykat.livejournal.com]

Wow. That was fantastic! Well done, you.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[eumenidis.livejournal.com]

What can I say? You have *so* got those characters nailed: brash, extroverted Jack, who's a lot more sensitive & less self-confident than he usually lets people see; & introverted, cerebral Ianto, who's stronger, braver, & infinitely more able & talented than he gives himself credit for.

*Sigh.* They're so cute, but couldn't you just knock their heads together?

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Oh, they usually manage to knock themselves together on their own. They're full of potential, but there's going to be a lot more crashes before these two fit together really well.

[duikermeisie.livejournal.com]

Love the bit about "he can't understand how much that hurts." Oh honey, yes he can. Oh yes he can.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

IIRC that was my first line.

[shirasade]

That was beautiful, a great peek into Ianto's head - angsty, yes (as it should be at that point), but we know what he does just a little later, after all... Brave, brave Ianto!

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you. I tend to like my angst leavened with hope.

[jack-luvxx.livejournal.com]

this is really good. did not disappoint.

xx

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[invisible-lift.livejournal.com]

You weren't kidding about the angst, were you?

Poor messed up little things...

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

I'm only pointing out what's already there.

And yes, they are. But at least they've got each other....

[thrace-adams.livejournal.com]

AWWWW, I read both of these, and AWWW *SQUEEEE* really well done!

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

[jolee523.livejournal.com]

I have been looking everywhere for the second part of this story and I'm so glad I found it. It was wonderful and I can't wait to catch up with the rest of the stories you've written.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you for reading it.

feedback

[(Anonymous)]

sorry this is anonymous, i seem to be the only person in the universe to not have LJ. anyways, i just had to give you some feedback because i loved your story so much. i ve read some of your other work, and i have to say you do one of the best portrayals of jack and ianto's relationship. i really like it because you are not showing them as either screwed up or "tru ruv". jack and ianto are way more complicated and i love how you let your stories deal with that. i think (now that we ve seen the entire second season of TW) that it's pretty clear that much of what was going on between jack and ianto in the second season was a negotiation of their relationship. it did start really messed up, and now they're trying to figure out where they stand, how much they feel for each other and what exactly they are going to do about those feelings. i love this story because it really, in a short amount of space, explores that negotiation, and i would really like to thank you for writing stories about j/i that is not as simple as true love or screwed up, no one seems to do that with TW. and as my post is now probably actually longer than the story, i will leave you with one giant KUDOS!!!!

-crazytook

Re: feedback

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you!

i think (now that we ve seen the entire second season of TW) that it's pretty clear that much of what was going on between jack and ianto in the second season was a negotiation of their relationship. it did start really messed up, and now they're trying to figure out where they stand, how much they feel for each other and what exactly they are going to do about those feelings.

EXACTLY. I think a lot of the flap concerning S2 was from fans (not just fic writers!) wanting to go on and assign a label to Jack and Ianto's relationship when it was very clear that they themselves were taking it slow in that regard. They may have been shagging like bunnies, but in terms of defining exactly what their relationship was or wasn't they were taking it slow.

Personally I think Jack and Ianto are both messed up AND in love. I think they're honest enough to admit that they are messed up, and that because of that it would be a good idea to take it slow and explore exactly what they want out of each other and what the other is willing to both give and put up with.

[tymewyse.livejournal.com]

Wow. This is beautiful. Poignant and introspective without being over-dramatic and ooc. I often have a problem with first person perspective, but you've used it quite well in this as well as in the parallel story from Jack's perspective. Nicely done.

I know it's years after the fact but I'm still not over it. I'm bookmarking your TW master list to come back and explore further when I have more time.

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you. Take your time. I've also got some stuff up on Teaspoon.

First person is tricky, and should only be used if you're confident you've got the voice down precisely. When I sat down to write this I thought it be more snarky but the deeper I got into it the more the snark became a shield.

[nancybrown.livejournal.com]

I really enjoyed both of these!

[crabby-lioness.livejournal.com]

Thank you!